Work Poop Survival Guide

We're all human beings. It's inevitable and happens all the time. There is more talk about sex then talking about dropping the kids off at the pool. Peole talking about poop is like taboo. Well here comes the demystification for all of those who are too afraid to ask and don't know why. This here is the official compendium of knowlege for taking a poop at work. See pooping at work is different then pooping at home (unless you're living with someone). It's all about stratagy. You gotta know your market (fellow poopers), and have lightening fast timing, not to mention a poker face (poke her, I don't even know her!). Memorize these terms and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.